Happy Birthday Dad -

Today would have been my dad's 61st birthday -

Lots of years I just plain forgot to call him and tell him - and I thought about that all day today - and it makes me sad -

Makes me sad that I was robbed of all the years with him that I could have had -

But my mother was selfish - hateful and bitchy and kept me from him -

Please know i have forgiven everyone involved in that decision but sometimes it comes out a little nasty - when i think about it -

Makes me sad that I just forgot sometimes and was too busy with my life to remember his one day a year -

Please remember to love and hug and kiss your loved ones all year long -

Happy Birthday Dad - I sure do miss you!

Gonna go cook dinner and cry now - This is the video montage they played at his funeral

Friday Morning

I havent posted in several days...

I have been very very busy....

Work is taking up a LOT of my time....

Mondays and Wednesdays at C3 and Tuesday Thursdays and Friday at the trailer house selling place....

The job i work 3 days a week? The boss is wearing me out....She isnt ugly to me in any way....well yesterday we realized someone in credit repair - their file had not been sent in - was supposed to have been sent in over a month ago....Wasnt me...i wasnt here...I got all the necessary paperwork together and sent it in with notes that it was priority...cause now when his mom's credit is ready...his will not be.... Then about 2 hours later we were going over the credit repair log and we noticed one that still need another POR (proof of residence) and I saw her slip back into the old days for just a second....She said "KELLY - WHY IS THAT NOT DONE?" and i said "BECAUSE I DIDNT ORIGINATE THE FILE, I ONLY STARTED WORK HERE LAST WEEK"... to which she replied..."oh sorry, slap me"...uhh yeah...and i replied..."The files say everything was faxed on 9/17...long before I came here...." she didnt have a lot to say after that...and you notice the caps? yeah we both took an ugly tone...

She keeps an ugly tone somedays...not every day....but her ugly tones are VERY UGLY....and she is offering me quite a bit to work there full time...Here is the problem...no amount of money is worth my mental well being....and believe me when I tell you that I drank half a bottle of wine almost at least 3 days a week when I worked for her before....I dont know what i was thinkgin taking this job....but i will tough it all for a little bit...at least until after Christmas.....

Everyone in the office has a recurring "meeting" on their outlook calendars....MEN INCLUDED....and it is called Marci's Red Day Alert....and it comes up every 28 days...this is that week... **sigh**

Tonight we are having CARD NIGHT at my house...my friends are coming over to play Liverpool Rummy .... it will be me, Cassey, Shellye, Elly and Robin...everyone was instructed to bring a snack and whatever they want to drink...I have 3 bottles of wine to share...i am excited...I am ready to have some girl time.. Wayne will be excited to miss it...he has to work tonight...lol...Kadie will hide in my bedroom and play on the computer and Austin will hang out in the "gameroom/study" and play video games....unless he stays with Nanny tonight....

One of my uncles passed away Wednesday afternoon....Some of you who have been reading a long time will remember that when my grandma died in 05 I spent some time "babysitting" my uncle henon who had alzheimers....at one point I was walking in the cotton field calling his name....cause he was wandering around looking for Aunt Lulu who I call My Lulu...His diabetes was really bad....and the alzheimers was worse and he finally passed away on Wednesday..I am not going to the funeral but I so wish I could...i loved my Uncle Henon...I always thought he was the BIGGEST MAN in the world...when i was little...even as old as he was when he died...he still was 6'4"....

I also would love to go see Chris....He is buried in Missouri and I sure do miss my little brother....

Im gonna close this now...cause I REALLY need to get back to work...lol...

but I am gonna close it with my favorite verse....

Psalms 34:4

I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

I have had Chris on the brain alot lately....of course we just had the anniversay of his death a couple weeks ago...

Today I imported my aol journal....and while I was going back reading entries...I stumbled onto this one and of course now i am crying....But I wanted to share it...even if only 1 person takes something away from it....

The anniversary of his death is coming up in 7 days....My mother will be a basket case...my father will be deathly quiet...I will cry and hug my children....my other brother will cry and stay at home and hug his daughter...we will call each other to see how the other is doing...(rory and i) we wont bother mom and dad because they will be so engrossed in their grief...his son's mother will probly keep him close to home so he doestn have to witness the grief...I dont blame her....I would too...

He is gone....from our lives but never our hearts....I think about him every day and I cry and I miss him and I will always love him...and there are days that I hate him because he is gone and it is all his fault because of the people he surrounded himself with...

His son has no father..I have no baby brother...my kids lost their uncle....he will never know our neice that is his namesake...my parents will never have their baby boy again...

None of us will ever see those beautiful blue eyes and beautiful smile again...

We wont ever see his Elvis impersonation again...man he could move his hips and curl that lip...lol...

I will never ever be able to call him baldy again....(he started losing his hair at 18 just like dad).

I will never see him turn up a jar of pickle juice again and drink it straight from the jar...always made me laugh...lol...

I will never again be able to make him say uncle playing peanuckle again (and i could bring himto his knees...lol)

None of us will ever hear Mom yelling..."Charlie, make them stop roughhousing in my house! They are making me need a nerve pill!" ...lol...this was every family get together and every holiday...

His son will never get to go fishing with daddy...

He will never play catch or throw a football with his daddy...

He will never get to talk to the man to man talk with his daddy...

He will never have a Daddy at all those father son events...only a granpa, uncle or stepdad..which are all great but not as great as having your dad there...nothing like your dad....

Someone else will have to teach him to drive...

Someone else will have to teach him how to change a tire and change the oil in his truck even tho his daddy was the best at it...

My daughter and son will never get to finish their boxing lessons...

Kadie will never be able to say Uncle Chris...this is my boyfriend...this is my fiance...this is my baby...

Neither will Austin....

I will never again hear him tell me to "Do your own thing Kelly...dont let anyone tell you what to do..."

And this is all because of drugs....

They are all bad ...there are NO recreational drugs...there are NO drugs that arent as bad as others....

They ALL take control of your life and your family and one way or another..they rip you from your family...and tear your family apart...

Everyone around you will suffer one way or another at some point...and it WILL be because of the drugs...

And dont say...i just do it every now and then just to relax...please dont even give me that excuse...read a book....drink some hot chocolate...take a walk....talk to someone you love...just dont do it...

It tears apart everything and everybody....

If I dont stop typing right now...I am going to be full fledged bawling in about 30 seconds...tears are only trickling right now....

I have just seen first hand how it tears apart every thing and everyone I love...and I hate it...

Sometimes I take his overalls and favorite Tshirt out of the box in the closet and just imagine him wearing them...even after 2 years being in a box in the closet....I can still smell him....Is that strange? Sometimes in the store I think I see him...I see a truck like his...and think...maybe just maybe he wasnt in that coffin...none of us ever identified his body...none of us saw him...one of the police officers on scene identified him as he was one of Chris' friends...

Maybe it wasnt him...maybe maybe maybe...and then I step back into the real world and I know he is gone...

and I cry...

and cry...

and cry...