Today I imported my aol journal....and while I was going back reading entries...I stumbled onto this one and of course now i am crying....But I wanted to share it...even if only 1 person takes something away from it....
The anniversary of his death is coming up in 7 days....My mother will be a basket case...my father will be deathly quiet...I will cry and hug my children....my other brother will cry and stay at home and hug his daughter...we will call each other to see how the other is doing...(rory and i) we wont bother mom and dad because they will be so engrossed in their grief...his son's mother will probly keep him close to home so he doestn have to witness the grief...I dont blame her....I would too...
He is gone....from our lives but never our hearts....I think about him every day and I cry and I miss him and I will always love him...and there are days that I hate him because he is gone and it is all his fault because of the people he surrounded himself with...
His son has no father..I have no baby brother...my kids lost their uncle....he will never know our neice that is his namesake...my parents will never have their baby boy again...
None of us will ever see those beautiful blue eyes and beautiful smile again...
We wont ever see his Elvis impersonation again...man he could move his hips and curl that lip...lol...
I will never ever be able to call him baldy again....(he started losing his hair at 18 just like dad).
I will never see him turn up a jar of pickle juice again and drink it straight from the jar...always made me laugh...lol...
I will never again be able to make him say uncle playing peanuckle again (and i could bring himto his knees...lol)
None of us will ever hear Mom yelling..."Charlie, make them stop roughhousing in my house! They are making me need a nerve pill!" ...lol...this was every family get together and every holiday...
His son will never get to go fishing with daddy...
He will never play catch or throw a football with his daddy...
He will never get to talk to the man to man talk with his daddy...
He will never have a Daddy at all those father son events...only a granpa, uncle or stepdad..which are all great but not as great as having your dad there...nothing like your dad....
Someone else will have to teach him to drive...
Someone else will have to teach him how to change a tire and change the oil in his truck even tho his daddy was the best at it...
My daughter and son will never get to finish their boxing lessons...
Kadie will never be able to say Uncle Chris...this is my boyfriend...this is my fiance...this is my baby...
Neither will Austin....
I will never again hear him tell me to "Do your own thing Kelly...dont let anyone tell you what to do..."
And this is all because of drugs....
They are all bad ...there are NO recreational drugs...there are NO drugs that arent as bad as others....
They ALL take control of your life and your family and one way or another..they rip you from your family...and tear your family apart...
Everyone around you will suffer one way or another at some point...and it WILL be because of the drugs...
And dont say...i just do it every now and then just to relax...please dont even give me that excuse...read a book....drink some hot chocolate...take a walk....talk to someone you love...just dont do it...
It tears apart everything and everybody....
If I dont stop typing right now...I am going to be full fledged bawling in about 30 seconds...tears are only trickling right now....
I have just seen first hand how it tears apart every thing and everyone I love...and I hate it...
Sometimes I take his overalls and favorite Tshirt out of the box in the closet and just imagine him wearing them...even after 2 years being in a box in the closet....I can still smell him....Is that strange? Sometimes in the store I think I see him...I see a truck like his...and think...maybe just maybe he wasnt in that coffin...none of us ever identified his body...none of us saw him...one of the police officers on scene identified him as he was one of Chris' friends...
Maybe it wasnt him...maybe maybe maybe...and then I step back into the real world and I know he is gone...
and I cry...
and cry...
and cry...
I didn't know about the loss of your brother. We all know there are not words of comfort to be had, but if there were I would offer them to you by the bookfull. I hope that someone who needs to see this does and I hope they make the decision to save themselves and their family the gut wrenching pain that you and your family are going through. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Melissa
Kelly, I wish I could give you a big ole hug right now. I'm crying with ya. We never let them go do we? They will always be a part of who we are because of them.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Debbie
i was dry-eyed until I got to the part of Kadie not being able to introduce her bf, fiance, baby... I don't know why, but that really got to me...
ReplyDeletehugs to you
tina
I'm so sorry. Blessings to you and your family.
ReplyDeletePowerful entry.What touched me the most was what you wrote about sometimes feeling angry about him because of the people he surrounded himself with. I can relate. I always tell my kids that things happen to you according to the company you keep. There's no getting around it. I'm sorry that it's still so painfully raw for you.
ReplyDeleteAda
death is never easy, but I have found it must be talked about, looked at and embraced...we loved our people and we miss them every single day. I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleterose
http://everythingisgoingtobeallright2.blogspot.com/
I'm sorry!! Sending you some big hugs!
ReplyDelete((((((((Kelly)))))))))
ReplyDeleteOh girl you made me cry...
I wish i were there to hug you in person.. losing those we love is so hard and so not fair...please know your in my thoughts..and I am here for you always
love ya girlie!
wow, that is so sad! *hugs*
ReplyDeletethat was a nice tribute. I am sorry for your loss and pain. I know what it's like to lose someone so close.
ReplyDeleteI'm Heather's friend - I added you on MySpace. I just read your blog about your brother. I can barely hold back my own tears. I am so afraid that I will post something similar to this about my daughter. We are going through a horrible time and are estranged. She just turned 19 and is living about 4 hours away from me. I don't know which is worse. Her living far from home and not knowing what she's doing, or having her live at home and see what goes on in her life. For several months, sometimes the only way I knew way I knew she was alive was by checking the date of her last log in on MySpace. I can only ask God to watch over her, and hope that everybody's right when they say "It's just a phase. She'll grow out of it", even though that doesn't help a lot right this minute. She's always my first thought in the morning and my last thought before I go to sleep. I'm sincerely sorry for your loss. I know your brother has finally found peace.
ReplyDelete((((BIG HUGS))))
ReplyDeleteXX